my version of breaking dawn
by sunshine is free
Summary: I haven't written in a while:/ sorry! I'll add more chapters soon, I promise.
1. Preface

PREFACE

EDWARD WAS THERE. HE WAS SITTING RIGHT beside me, waiting for whatever the

next few minutes held. Surely one of us would not make it to see the next morning. I just prayed that it would be me.

A tall man wrapped in a dark cloth, with his face covered started to walk toward us both. But for some reason I was not frightened. I cradled myself in Edwards lap. I contorted every line on my body to be in harmony with his. Edward's, ice cold, arms tightened around me protecting me from what was to come.

"Don't come near her!" Edward snapped. He was afraid, I could tell. I wanted this to end. I didn't care if my life was taken, just spare Edward, please. I heard a sinister laugh and cool hand upon my shoulder.

"Don't move." Edward whispered in my ear, so low that it was barley audible. I was almost positive that the other being did not hear his, protective, command.

At that moment I heard a piercing scream and realized it was mine. The pain hit me like a concrete wall. My face cringed in agony. I could not speak or hear anything. All I felt was excruciating torture. I bellowed in affliction.

The torment stopped but I could not move. All I saw was black and heard Edward's voice but I was not able to comprehend what he was saying. My sense of touch was gone. Everything around me was obsolete; Edwards arms, the dark cold room, the cacophony of shrieks and snarls.

Was this the end? Oh yes. That much I was certain of.


	2. Nightmare

1. Plans, Plans, Plans

I WAS SEARCHING THE STREETS OF AN UNFAMILIAR TOWN FOR ANYONE I COULD FIND. The age, sex, race didn't matter to me. I was ravenous and extremely thirsty. I promised myself that the first human being to cross my path would be my quencher.

"Ahh, finally," I sighed as a middle age, heavy set man exited the local convenient store. I could not get a glimpse of his face, due to the lack of light that came with evening. I crouched, ready to pounce, behind him. The man was getting into his car when I completely knocked him out, hearing his bags drop to the hard pavement; I dragged him into the, nearby, woods. When hidden by the trees, deep inside the forest I grabbed his head and pulled his neck closer to my watering mouth. I could hear his heart dulling to a low murmur. But his blood smelled so appetizing.

I bit his neck, digging my brilliantly sharp teeth into his aging skin; sucking every last drop of life out of the poor man. I laid his dead corpse onto the earth, rolling him over so I could see the face of my most recent victim.

I stopped breathing.

The face of my dead father was staring at me. His unclosed eyes were burning into my ice cold skin. I could not move. I trembled with remorse and fell to the ground, letting myself drown in the dry tears that were pouring out of me.

"How could…I do this…?" My voice trailed off, buried beneath my animated sobs.

Finally after at least an hour of fake tears, but realistic tragedy, _he_ was there. He was there comforting me, holding me in his arms. I didn't want it. No. I didn't deserve his empathy and I wasn't going to tolerate it his reassurance any longer.

"Leave me," I demanded.

He obviously ignored my command. "I'm so sorry, Bella." Was all he said.

"I said, 'leave me'!" I disregarded his inappropriate apology and pushed myself out of his grasp with so much force, causing me to fall back into the surrounding trees. But before my rock hard body hit the cold earth, my bed caught me.

I awoke from my nightmare in a cold sweat, wearing only my underwear and Edward's Dartmouth sweatshirt. My lack of clothing did not bother me when compared to the chaotic adventure my mind took while I was sleeping.

As soon as I gained consciousness I felt his cool arms around me and Edward's sweet, musical voice in my ear.

"Shhh, Bella, darling, everything is fine." He told me. "Charlie is alive, you're not a vampire, and I am _never_ going to leave you." He elaborated. I assumed he knew the details of my terrifying nightmare because I had been talking in my sleep again.

"Edward, oh no…It was…terrible!" This time my sobs were real. "He was there…I kill-…I killed my own father." He cradled me in his arms as I saturated his navy blue t-shirt with my tears.

"Bella, love, it was just a dream."

"But what if it wasn't?" I questioned, still crying. "What if when I am a vampire I kill Charlie, or Renee? Or what if I hurt…" I couldn't say it. No, I couldn't think it. I wouldn't let myself imagine that I could actually harm Jacob.


	3. Sweet Dreams

"I won't let you." He promised. I didn't answer I just let the tears flow out of me, into his shirt. I felt him grab my sweat pants with one hand and maneuver them up my legs still keeping me locked in his compassionate grasp.

"You managed to get these off when you were sleeping." He informed me.

I shivered in reaction to his cold legs on my burning skin.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"No, it feels nice." I replied.

My heavy breathing subsided and the tears slowly started to dry up. I was still laying his arms thinking about my nightmare and how real it could actually be. What if it was a sign? I thought to myself. What if I'm not supposed to be a vampire for the sake of my father? I shuddered at the thought of killing Charlie. Who, in fact, would die like all mortals; including myself if my previous engagements were invalidated. But what truly made my heart sick was the incomprehensible concept that if I was not changed I would be eternally separated from Edward. I could not bear seven months. How was I supposed to survive the afterlife without him?

Be that as it may, my frightening, sleep induced, adventure did not effect my plans to become immortal. I could not fathom life without Edward anymore. I would surely lose my sanity along with half of my heart, and basically my purpose for existence.

I closed my eyes, trying to compartmentalize my thoughts into good and evil categories. My last unconscious adventure was definitely going in the evil category. I made an attempt at sleeping but the horrid images still haunted me. So I started scrolling through the good section trying to find a picture of Edward that was comparable to the real thing. But of course, none of my memories were sufficient, forcing me to open my eyes so that I could awe in his beauty. His eyes found mine, very relaxed and complacent. I broke the stimulating silence, but fortunately not our gaze.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked. The shock of my nightmare was gone.

"I'm trying to read your mind." He answered and shot me his crooked smile that made my heart do somersaults even after all this time.

I quietly laughed. "That's funny." I said. "I'm trying to do the same." We both smiled at each other. His breathtaking refinement in comparison to my bed head and bad breath made me feel inferior at the least. I had to break his alluring stare, in fear that I was drooling at his pulchritude.

"You should sleep." He whispered. "You need the rest, my dear. Class starts at seven-thirty sharp this morning." He specified.

"I don't want to sleep." I complained. "And besides, I'm not even the slightest bit tired."

"Hmm, well the dark circles under your eyes," traitors, "beg to differ." He retorted, tracing the hollow space below my eyes with his keenly cold finger. Ahh, the negative aspects of being human; especially when you are me and every feeling has a bodily function that coincides with it and, embarrassingly, admits the emotion to the world.

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say anything I felt his cool finger tips at me lips, suggesting that I shouldn't speak.

"Shhh," he sounded like he was leaking air.

I closed my lips into a hard line and pouted in defeat. I was sure that he was able to see my face in our moon lit dorm room. We started at each other, continuing the quest to decipher one another's thoughts. After a good three minutes I hesitantly opened my mouth to converse. He did not object this time.

What's it like?" I asked. His expression suddenly became confused. "You know, not being able to sleep?" I continued. "Don't you get terribly bored?" It wasn't intended to be a question, but I know that it came across as one.

He, very, subtlety laughed so that he did not wake up, Becky, my room mate. I knew that if we were someplace else his laughter would have been much more loud and exuberant.

Becky is used to Edward's presence now. At first I could tell that she was intimidated by his very being, as is everyone else. But she shortly got over it; although I never understood why she felt inferior to him. In my opinion Becky is very pretty, beautiful as a matter of fact. She is the last person I would think to question her self confidence. Her black, curly hair, dark brown eyes, and tan skin give away her ethnicity at first glance. She is extremely brilliant and infectiously amusing. We've grown to become very close over this past year.

Edward abruptly stopped laughing.

"I'll be right back!" He hissed, as the floor's D.A. opened my door with the complaint of excessive talking and the sound of a male's voice. I assured her no one had been here and that I must have been sleep speaking again. She believed me and left. No harm done. Before she closed the door Edward as back and I was in his arms.

"So," I said. "My question…" My voice trailed off in anticipation.

"Oh, right," he whispered. "Well at first it was very unnerving, not having anything to do." He paused after hearing Becky mumble something in her sleep. "But I found ways to compensate for the extra time. Hunting was what I liked to do best in the evening." The word 'liked' caught my attention.

"You said 'liked', why?"

"Of course, now I like to spend my time with you, sweet girl."

He smiled and touched his lips to mine. I loved the direction that the night had taken. He wrapped his cool arms around my body, pulling me closer to his; making sure that every line of my figure was in harmony with his. I locked my arms around his neck tangling my fingers in his hair, getting my engagement ring stuck in a few tendrils. I tugged, hoping that he would misunderstand my action as passion. It worked for a little while until my hand become immobile, literally knotted in his hair. He realized my dilemma and started to laugh when he let me breath, still never releasing his lips from my body. I yanked harder, knowing that he had caught me, killing the mood.

"Ouch!" He playfully complained. He followed my arms into his hair with his hands, grasping my left hand-ring finger. With ease and no complications he retrieved my ring and placed it back on my hand. Even in the dark my diamonds glistened, wonderfully showing off the glory of my extraordinary procession.

"It's beautiful." I whispered, thinking out loud.

"I'm glad you like it." He said as he gently kissed me.

"No, I love it." I corrected, kissing him back. In the midst of our correlation my alarm clock sounded and once again, the mood was gone.

He sighed. "I can't catch a break tonight? Can I?"

"I'm sorry," I answered. The clock read six A.M. "I guess it's time to get ready." I stated. Two hours had gone by, wow. It only felt like ten minutes had passed.

Before I got out of bed I turned to him so I could bring up our last topic of discussion again. "Do you miss dreaming?" I asked, very curious.

My question interested him and he suddenly became very thoughtful.

"Yes," he finally answered. "I miss that human ability very much." He smiled but it did not reach his eyes. "I can even recall the last dream I ever had."


	4. Harsh Memories

"Really?" I was so anxious to hear is answer. "Tell me all about it." I demanded with fascination.

"Alright, how much time do we have to get to class?"

"Class-smash, we've got like two hours anyway."

"Okay," he paused, trying to figure out how to phrase his next words. "It was the night before the day my mother died, when I was…changed." I nodded, encouraging him to go on. "I can remember the scene of the hospital perfectly. The smell of death saturated my surroundings. There was so much despair. But even still, it never ceased to surprise me when people by the dozens died every hour or so." He cringed at the daunting memories.

"During the last few days of my human existence I was afraid to sleep, knowing that when I awoke there would be a very good chance that my mother would not. When in the hospital, Carlisle, had grown very fond of my family. He spent most of his time tending to our needs. He encouraged me to sleep and told me that my mother would not die without saying goodbye, although I never fully believed him. As a matter of fact, my mother did die while I was resting." It seemed as though, if he could cry at this point he would have.

"I had not slept for at least thirty six hours and I knew just as well as my mother the doctors and Carlisle that my sleep deprivation was not helping my recovery. So shortly after my realization I lost the battle with my eyelids and let myself fall into, what I thought to be, eternal unconsciousness.

"My mind took endless journeys around the streets of London, ending in alley ways of murder and destruction to find myself harassing the guard at Buckingham Palace minutes later. Even in my mind I could not defend my bizarre actions." He paused, calculating my quizzical expression. I was intrigued by his mind boggling sleep induced adventure. After a few moments he continued.

"The last stop that my mind took seemed to be some where in the future. It was as if I was reading Carlisle's thoughts in my dream. I saw myself with him and Esme. Even in unconsciousness I was able to grasp the implication that they were married and my adopted parents.

"I saw my whole life with them, not including my siblings and you, but I knew that we were vampires that had taken the path of righteousness, so to speak.

"To this day I cannot explain the other parts of my dream. The only theory I have is that I would have, somehow, landed myself in a dark alley or at Buckingham palace if I had not been changed by Carlisle." I felt my jaw drop in astonishment. He laughed, surprised by my reaction, and continued his story.

"I never told you this but I, like you, used to talk in my sleep. I assume that my mother heard me speaking about my dream and convinced Carlisle to changed me, when I was sleeping. For when I awoke my mother was dead and Carlisle was debating my transformation with himself. As he argued the idea I could feel my life slipping away from me faster and faster as the minutes passed.

"I was able to feel him pierce his teeth into many facets of my body. My ankles, wrists, neck. The pain slowly came and it felt as if my entire body was on fire. His voice soon became in audible and the excruciatingly painful burning sensation that radiated from my head to my toes made me certain that I had ended up in hell." I cringed at the thought of Edward going through that much affliction. It made me think of him and Jane in Volterra. I couldn't bear to see him go through that again.

He saw that his story had horrified me and abruptly closed the subject. "So that's basically it," he said, pulling the covers back as he got out of the bed.

"Wait," I ordered. "You said 'basically'. What else happened?" Was his transformation really that terrible that he didn't feel appropriate telling me?

"I don't like talking about it." He admitted. "Plus we have to get ready." I honored his wishes, and didn't bring it up again.

I could only imagine, though, how wretched those first few years must have been, correction, are going to be; the ongoing thirst, lapse in judgment, the constant torture of restraint. What if I couldn't handle becoming a vampire? What if Edward could bear to see me as a vampire once he saw how truly disgusting I could really be? Although, I'm sure that it wouldn't be new for him. He had already gone through the new born-stage with Emmet, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper-his adopted siblings- before.

I felt Edward's eyes on my back, staring at me as I gazed out into no where, and thinking about my future. I didn't realize how terrified I looked until Edward suddenly became alarmed.

"Bella, love, what's bothering you?" He asked, wrapping his arms around my waist, cradling me in his lap.

"I'm scared." I finally choked out in a whisper, to low to be audible for any human ears.

He didn't answer. I assumed that he was pondering the next words that he was going to use.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm prepared, just nervous; that's all…" I started rambling about the positive aspects of immortality. I mentioned no wrinkles, and having eternity to possibly change the world, and how my menstrual cycle would be obsolete. We both laughed at that point. He smiled down at me with reassurance embedded deep within his eyes.

I tightened my grip around his stone, cold body and buried my face in his chest to, figuratively; hide from the harsh reality of the cruel world.

We were, for sure, going to be late for class at this point. The grumbles and yawns that came from Becky confirmed that her internal alarm clock was going off and that we needed to get to the science wing A.S.A.P.

Becky sat up, eyeing us very suspiciously. I assumed that she was still too tired to comprehend her sights properly, until I realized how awkward Edward and I actually looked. I laughed and slowly, but casually relaxed myself out of his firm grip.

"So Cullen, you spent the night again?"

"It appears that I have," Edward said, very polite. She nodded and headed for the bathroom with her bag of toiletries, giving us some privacy.

"So, Speedy Gonzales, are we going to get to class on time today?" I asked, implying that he would have to run.

"I don't know. How apposed are to running against parking lot traffic?" He asked. "I can almost assure your safety."

"I think I'll take my chances." I said, smiling at him. He returned the gesture as he changed out of his pajamas and into jeans and his grey sweater, that I picked out for him.

Becky was back, fully clothed for the day. "Not to be rude or anything," she warned. "But Eddie, c'mon do you ever leave?" Becky was the only person to give Edward nicknames, including myself. Actually, I never tried to shorten up his name. Edward fit him perfectly.

"I will stay until Bella wants he gone," he said, leaning down to give me a kiss.

"I will never wish for that," I confirmed.

Becky made a gagging noise and stuck two fingers in her mouth as if she was going to make herself heave. "You know, I _should _be used to that by now." She said. "Don't you two ever get sick of each other?" She said, playfully disgusted. We all laughed as Becky left for class.


	5. Planning

"We should really get going," Edward urged, tossing me my jeans and a t-shirt.

I cleared my throat and waved my hand at him, signaling that I wanted him to turn around. His face turned into an obstinate pout, although still beautiful, as he obeyed my command.

"It's not like I haven't seen it before." He said to the wall.

"Okay," I said pulling on my rain boots. "Do you think I'm going to need these today?" I said, pointing down to my shoes.

"I would wear them just in case."

"Alright then, let's go!" I commanded as I grabbed his, ice cold, hand and pulled Edward out the door – knowing that if he really wanted to protest against my action I would have no chance of succeeding, for now at least.

I was barley paying attention when Professor Taylor caught me off guard and asked me a question about my heart in relation to my adrenaline protein. I answered correctly, but was far from actually comprehending the concept that I had explained to the class. My mind was exhausted and restless at the same time. I could not get myself to stop thinking about Edward's hesitation when I asked him about the first few days of his transformation, my own fears, and on top of everything the afternoon's activities as planned: Edward, Alice and I are supposed to meet so that we can discuss the last minute wedding details before it became too late. I did not hesitate to let Alice have her fun. I promised Edward matrimony, not my decorating expertise, if any. _Great_, I thought to myself.

The sparkling diamond on my finger glistened in the light and brought me back on track. As I took out my notebook I caught a glimpse of Edward. He wasn't breathing and his eyes were tight with, what seemed to be, internal animosity. I would make tell me what's wrong after class.

My science period went by in a blur of cell structure and systems. I never learned anything from Professor Taylor, probably because I never felt the need to reach, none the less go beyond my potential. She noticed that I was sure of.

So far, we all agreed on a small wedding party - Alice being my made of honor, Angela being my only bridesmaid, along with Emmet being the best man and Jasper as Edward's only groomsman. We decided not have a ring barer, since we did not have any to fill the position but we had asked my little sister, Elizabeth Leigh to be the flower girl. Renee and Phil had the little bundle of joy about three years ago. It's weird being twenty-one and having a two and a half year old sister. Rosalie was meant to be included, although she thought her taking part was "unnecessary and practically unbearable on both sides of the spectrum." I respectfully and willingly agreed.

Alice met us at the Coffee Bean, in town, with her enormous book if ideas and requirements.

"Bella, Edward!" She called from the back. Her short black hear was like an x-marks-the-spot against her pale skin. Her sweet musical voice called our names again, fully grabbing my attention. Edward was already leading the way pulling me along as we walked.

"Bella, I got you a green tea." She said, handing me the scorching hot cup. "I know that you like them extra hot." She mused.

"Thanks," I accepted the drink. "You're right. These are my new addiction."

"Well, drink the while you can, or at least want to." Edward said, smug as ever. "You'll hate those in a few months." He elaborated.

"Six weeks," Alice contradicted. "The wedding, that is. I don't know how soon…you know." She corrected herself. The silence soon became awkward.

"Oh, well…sooner than I thought. But, I guess, that sounds about right." Edward confirmed. I was shocked by his nonchalance when talking about this normally confrontational subject. No one spoke.


	6. Temper

"Well, what did we come here for?" I asked, breaking the silence. My voice cracked. Every now and then I glanced at Edward, catching stares of devastation and eyes of troubled confusion. He hardly spoke. The only communication that I was aware of, consisted of nods and "mmm's" when called for. I'm sure that he was conversing with Alice in her head but I couldn't make sure of that.

I did not want a big wedding. Simple was my only condition. Even though I was almost positive that Alive would misinterpret simple as extravagant and over the top. It didn't bother me as much, how ever, when I though about the fact that this was my special day, I figured she would honor my wishes. Getting marries was one the last human experiences I would be able to accomplish - but at the mere age of twenty-one? I was still so young. I guess the only reason why I have not been changed sooner is because for so long I could not bring myself to get married. On top of everything, not many people, especially Charlie and Renee were pleased with the engagement.

Alice's voice became more prominent, as I realized that I had tuned her out in my subconscious, halting my train of thought.

"You like daffodils, right? Bella…? You there," she asked, snapping her fingers inches away from my face.

"What…oh, yeah, pansies…they're okay."

"No! I asked if you liked daffodils!" She was obviously irritated by my lack of interest. She should have been used to it by now.

I turned to see if Edward would want to voice his opinion. He seemed just as disoriented as I was. I clutched his hand and rubbed circles with my thumb against his cold skin, it felt nice on mine. He halfheartedly smiled.

"Whatever you want, my love – I have no personal preference." He said, kissing my forehead as I rested my head on his shoulder.

"So, what's our cake going to look like?" For some reason the only thing I was truly concerned with was the food.

"Oh! I'm so glad you asked that! It's absolutely beautiful, Bella – really!" She was ecstatic that I showed the slightest bit of enthusiasm. "Okay, so it's a five tear chocolate cake with purple frosting and white flowers. There is some ivory crawling up the sides as well." She explained. "Bella, Edward it's so lovely. I wish you would have come with me to pick it out!" Alice said as she pulled out a picture. "I hope it tastes better to you that it did to me. Edward, I'm sorry but you're going to have to fake it for a while." We all laughed; finally some emotion out of the rock that sat beside me.

Edward and I examined the picture of the, hands down, most beautiful piece of food I've ever seen.

"I'm sure I can manage that." Edward confirmed.

"I wonder who will catch the bouquet." Alice thought out loud. "Maybe I will!" She proclaimed as she scanned the future for the slightest hope that it could happen. Her face became sullen with disappointment.

"So who's it going to be?" I asked.

"Angela."

"Oh, well that's nice." I said. "Besides you're already married." I reminded her. I took a sip from my tea, still _so_ hot.

"Okay, well that's basically it. Everything you need to worry about it taken care of - except you still need to go talk to the priest. He's been wanted to ask some questions about you baptisms and confirmations." She explained. "Charlie already gave the church your papers, Bella. But Edward, I still have to forge yours. It shouldn't take long." I tuned Alice's rambling voice out of my head. I could tell that Edward's mind was absent, his thoughts dwindling on previous engagements, I assumed.

"What's wrong?" I asked Edward, as we got into his car.

"I'm just thinking." He said, with little to no interest in the subject at all.

"About what," I nagged. He opened his door and slammed it shut before he answered my question.

"About your transformation," he answered. _Oh no, not this again._ I thought to myself. We had already put the date off, for long enough. I was not going to postpone my arrangements any longer. "It's just…what you said this morning, about how you're scared. Bella you sounded truly terrified," he sighed. "Sweetheart, if you're not ready, I don't want to do something you'll hate me for." It took me a while to configure my thoughts and actually come up with and intelligible answer.

"Edward, how could I hate you for granting me my only request?"

"Because you don't know, Bella - that's just it. Why would you _want_ that to be your only request-" I cut him off.

"Fine, it's my only demand."

"That's beside the point you saying something so absurd like that is utterly unfathomable and narrow minded." He glared at me, with his nostrils flaring and jaw clenched tight. It was hard for me to speak to him when he was like this.

"I have made my decision. I want to marry you, I want to be a vampire and I want to be with you for eternity." I was shocked by my serene state and calm inflection.

"You can't be serious?!" The speedometer was inching towards one-hundred, and he wasn't even paying attention to the road. "You want to get married? That's a joke. Bella, we all know that you want to be a vampire but eternity is a _really_ long time." He said, acidly.

"What do you mean 'eternity is a really long time'? You don't think you'll love me in three hundred years?" I asked, harshly. At this point I was irritated myself.

"Stop trying to be funny." He ordered.

"I'm not trying to be. You finding this discussion amusing is beyond me."

After a long while he finally spoke. "I can tell that you're not happy." He whispered, almost to low to be audible. "You miss Charlie and Renee and…"

"Say it. Say it! Damn it, Edward! _Say IT!!_" I chanted at him, I was yelling at him now, my face just inches from his.

He turned his head so that his golden eyes could glare at me and away from the road. I felt as if they were going to burn to holes in my cheeks. For at least forty-five seconds he just glared at me.

"Jacob," he finally said. "You miss Jacob Black. No better yet…you love Jacob Black!" He said raisin his voice at me. I was baffled by his anger. He had never yelled at me like this. "You love that filthy disgusting dog!" He tormented me with his words.

"You should talk!" I retorted. "You're no better than him, Edward - you…you…repulsive bloodsucking leach!" My jaw dropped in response to me outrageous, totally out of line insult. And with that the car halted to an immediate stop, causing my head to jolt towards the dashboard. I felt my skull bash against the hard glove compartment. The blood seeped through my skin and I was able to smell the rust and salt that made me all queasy inside.


	7. Resolutions

Blood was everywhere. On my clothes, all over his car – even I could smell the antagonizing scent and suddenly feared for my life. What if Edward couldn't handle the temptation? I thought to myself. I glared at him with my blood streaming down my face, creating tear-like patterns on my skin. He stared back, disgusted with himself.

"Hold your breath." I spat.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. It's my fault." He said, grabbing a piece of gauze from the first aid kit that he quickly acquired from underneath his seat. "I didn't acknowledge how fast we were going. Please forgive me." He apologized over and over again. "My behavior was inexcusable."

"Would you stop that?" I asked, completely annoyed. "I got hurt…so what? I have been known for my accidents."

"But, Bella, that wasn't an accident. That was an incident caused by me. I had the control over the whole dilemma and now look at you."

"Be that as it may, if I wasn't a pathetic human we wouldn't be having this argument right now and I wouldn't be furious with you and myself." I started scolding him, like he was to blame here. "And stop trying to treat me. You're not helping this situation from and direction." I spat, shoving his have away from my face. "Why do you have to be so masochistic?" I asked, harshly.

"Why are you angry with yourself?" He asked, calmed down, but completely disheveled.

"Edward it's not like you made me say those words. I control what comes out of my mouth and I definitely should have found a less doltish way to express me feelings. _I'm_ sorry." I apologized, explaining my cruel scrutiny upon the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

"But you're mad at me?" He asked.

"Yes, but only because you think I love Jacob Black more than I love you."

He didn't answer.

"And because you're still hesitant about changing me."

"So you're telling me that if we were to get married tomorrow and you'd be in the stages of becoming a vampire by tomorrow night, you would do it?"

"In a heart beat," I answered, slightly amused by my choice of words.

"You're ready?"

"Edward, I have been ready since Junior Prom. I'm almost twenty-two years old and you're still seventeen. Can you understand how that kills me every time I think about that fact?"

He nodded. "I still need to build of the tolerance, Bella – if something were to go wrong…" His voice trailed off as he shook his head.

"You've done it before," I reminded him.

"Yes, but you also have venom and morphine in your system. It wasn't like I was drinking your pure blood." He corrected me.

"Still, I don't care if you kill me. I just want you to try." The blood was still making me sick, but I was too preoccupied with our discussion that it didn't really bother me. Edward stopped breathing long before the conversation brewed.

"You don't care if I kill you?"

"My life means nothing if I don't have you. Do you understand that - because for the longest time I've been trying to convince you but you still have yet to grasp the concept."

"I don't know what I would do with myself if I was responsible for your…your…" His voice trailed off as he stared at the car that we parked in back of.

"What, for my death? Edward, I'm going to die whether by your hand or not. But there will come a day when I am not on this earth unless you do something about it." My cut started stinging but the bleeding had stopped. Edward said I wouldn't need stitches just an immense amount of band aids. My cut looked much worse before all of the blood was cleaned up.

"Do you have any Windex to delude the smell?" I asked.

"It's not a big deal; I can't even smell if any more." I could tell he was being agreeable, unwillingly.

"Edward, I can still smell it and am still definitely on the verge of heaving."

He didn't reply.

"Just tell me where the Windex is!" I demanded.

"It's under the seat." He said, sourly.

I grabbed the spray bottle and dispensed the cleaning solution across the entire front compartment of the car until I was more than satisfied with my actions.

"I think that's enough," Edward said, blankly. I agreed and put it away. In the midst of our argument it started to pour outside.

The rain started come down on us like buckets as we headed back to Edward's dorm. He held the umbrella over both of our heads with one hand, keeping the other tightly around my waist.

**I'll right more! I promise: Please review!! I would love to hear some constructive criticism, among your opinions! Oh yeah, and I've been forgetting to write this but I, sadly, don't own any part of the story. Edward and Bella only belong to Stephanie Meyer, bummer. **


	8. Seperation

**I don't own anything! Bella and Edward only belong to Stephanie Meyer. Oh, and I'm sorry for all of the spelling/grammar mistakes in the previous chapters. I'm sure this one can claim some of it's own but I'm, also, sure that you'll be able to figure the words out on your own. Please review!! There will be more to come, I promise.**

Sitting in Edward's dorm, I was at a loss for words. We hadn't spoken in a good twenty-five minutes and the silence was quickly becoming awkward. But I had a thesis paper to write – at least I had something to keep my mind occupied, I thought to myself.

I was so oblivious to my surroundings that I wasn't even aware of Edward's presence behind me, as I dotted the last "I" of my report – the closeness of his voice startled me.

"You're finished already?" He asked stunned by my hasty completion.

"Yeah, but I started it about a week ago." Alright, so I guess I wasn't that hasty.

"Oh," was all he said.

I sighed as I slipped my paper into my bad. "So…" I said, placing my hands into my back pockets as I arched my back.

"So…where do we go from here?" He asked. "We need to talk." Edward stated.

"Oh, I think we've already done that." I said as I put on my jacket, planning to walk out the door; possibly on him – I wasn't able to formulate my plan in that much detail on such short notice, though.

Contrary to my frustration my mind was rattling off the ways I could possibly profess my love for him. All of which seemed too gushy and insincere. I told myself this wasn't the time to be romantic. My mouth was siding with my mind and refused to let my heart speak.

"I'm sorry, Edward." I admitted, totally disconnected.

"Bella, it doesn't have to be like this. I didn't mean what I said back there and I know that Jacob will always have a place in your heart. He's your best friend. I've come to accept that."

"Have you? Have you truly been able to see that he is no more than a friend? For heavens sake, Edward, it's been two years! I haven't been with anyone but you since and I intend to keep it that way."

"Yes, but you still went back to him. You still gave yourself to that mongrel."

"Edward…" My voice trailed off. "I will never be able to forgive myself for that." I mumbled.

He glared at me, with millions of expressions flying across his face; it was so hard to decipher his thoughts. Finally forgiveness fled from his eyes to the lips of his mouth.

"I know. That was a hard time for both of us. But I won't think about the past any longer." He promised. "Our future is bright, my love." He said, as he embraced me in his cold arms. I wanted to hug him back, but I was not able to do so.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean? 'What's wrong?' I betrayed you with your worst enemy. A _ware wolf_ and even after all this time it still kills me to think about the hurt I brought to you and, yet, you're asking _me_ what's wrong?"

Now, he was at a loss for words.

"I'm a monster."

"No, not yet," he contradicted me. "So far, I'm the only one in this room who can claim that title." He said, trying to lighten the mood.

"You can't be serious?"

"I'm quite serious actually." He said, with a smile playing on his lips.

"Who you are _physically_ does not make you a monster, Edward. I'm disgusting."

"You're human."

"Yeah, like that's some excuse." I said. "Someone who has a heart wouldn't even _think_ about doing what I did."

"You're right."

"What?"

"I said, 'you're right.'"

"No, I know what you said. But for once you're not trying to defend my dignity."

"And that's a good thing?"

"You have no idea."

Dinner that night was quiet. I assumed Edward was trying not to say something that would upset me. Since this afternoon he hasn't been anything but agreeable.

"The food's good." I complimented him, with little to no emotion. I probably could have elaborated on my statement more, but I didn't feel the need. He knew what I meant.

"Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

I, halfheartedly, smiled. I'm sure he, also, knew that I was torn up inside so I didn't really feel the need to converse with him more than I already did. My thoughts were too consumed with my own despair. I was too busy wallowing in self pity to be able to formulate a comprehensible statement that would come off anymore than totally disheveled and broken.

When I found myself in trances like so I couldn't help but think back to high school when Edward left me, I was finally able to realize what it must have been like for those around me. The ones who loved me the most were forced to see me in such a state of depression. I couldn't fathom what it must have been like for Edward when he found out about me and Jacob. I can almost remember the look on his face – the utter deceitfulness that I bestowed upon his could not be misunderstood.

Even though he didn't speak to me I knew what he was saying. His words were written in his eyes and everywhere around me. I would walk through the streets, watch television in my house, clean my room and I would see him, everywhere I went. I could not escape his beauty distorted into a distraught grimace. And it killed me every time I spoke to Jacob or Alice or even Charlie. Anyone who reminded me of him, in the slightest way, couldn't have stopped the feelings that they imposed on me. I could not escape the abandonment that I bequeathed onto Edward.

In about two weeks I knew everything would be back to normal. I wouldn't feel the need to pour my heart out - tearing out my heart sounded like the more appropriate word at the time. Two weeks, I told myself. It was in that moment, as Edward was clearing the table and I was stuck in a daze of sorrow, that two weeks – fourteen days – felt like eternity and a year.


End file.
